


hold on to that feeling

by FantasyDeath



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arranged Marriage, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Kuei (Avatar)-centric, M/M, One Shot, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, POV Kuei (Avatar), Romantic Fluff, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24965530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FantasyDeath/pseuds/FantasyDeath
Summary: Kuei thinks Zuko is beautiful.
Relationships: Kuei & Zuko (Avatar), Kuei/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 169
Collections: A:tla





	hold on to that feeling

Staring up at Zuko’s face, twisted in pain and self-hatred, Kuei felt something in his chest go cold. He lowered the hands that were on the way toward Zuko and instead, he tried his best to smile. ”You don’t really believe that, do you?” he asked, but even as he did so, he knew the truth.

Zuko was a bad liar. And Kuei had spent far too much time studying him not to pick up on his tells.

Feeling the coldness spreading, he rose from his seat on the bed and took a step closer toward Zuko. Zuko didn’t flinch, but from the look on his face, Kuei thought that it might have been better if he had.

He _knew_. He knew thatthis wasn’t Zuko had wanted. That this wasn’t something that Zuko ever would have chosen for himself. He knew that he was not enough, that he wasn’t worthy, that he wasn’t what Zuko deserved. But this was the answer he and his court had been working on, ever since the Avatar broke the news of the war to Kuei and allowed no-one to forget about it. Zuko didn’t want to be here, but Kuei had hoped…

Well, he’d hoped for a lot things, once.

He stopped. Took a breath and tried to smile again. He held out a hand toward Zuko and said, ”I am honored to have married you.”

”Don’t _lie_ ,” Zuko snapped out. He took a step away from Kuei almost instantly, only to immediately step forward again. Kuei saw how Zuko squared his shoulders, straightened his back and pressed his jaw tightly shut. The young man stalked over to Kuei and stared him straight in the eyes.

Kuei swallowed the saliva pooling in his mouth, keeping his eyes from straying to the best of his ability. Still, he couldn’t quite stop them from peeking at the scar on Zuko’s face.

He saw the moment when Zuko realized what he was looking at. Zuko’s face shuttered, and before Kuei could say anything—what, he didn’t know—Zuko had already shut him out. Kuei lowered his gaze to the floor, his hands clenching tightly by his sides, and the words were out before he could stop himself: ”We don’t have to do this.”

”Yes, we do,” Zuko sneered out, his scar stretching with the motion.

Kuei itched to touch it. He wanted to know what it felt like. But Zuko bristled every time that Kuei even looked at it, and Kuei was not so insensitive as to force touch on a place it was not wanted.

But in some cases, even he had no options.

”My father wants proof,” Zuko ruthlessly acknowledged what Kuei had been consciously _not thinking about,_ ”that we’ve consummated our marriage.”

Kuei’s hand wandered up to his braid, his fingers intwining with the end of his hair. He gulped, his eyes flickering to the wall behind Zuko, a sense of unfairness having settled over him. It was petty, he decided. It was petty of him to feel like this. This was obviously not something that Zuko wanted in any way, yet Kuei found himself hurt to be so easily disregarded.

Pettiness. That was what it was. This desire in him, to be wanted.

He sat back down on the soft bed. The sheets were made of silk, the green a comforting color to Kuei, but undoubtedly just another reminder of what was happening for Zuko. The mattress was so soft that it should be illegal, moulding to his weight expertly. The many, many pillows were scattered all over the bed. The only thing that lit up the room were a smattering of candles on the bedside tables and torches on the walls. The shadows stretched far across their wedding chambers.

Zuko stared at Kuei, his face lined with determination, his gold eyes hard and unforgiving. It felt like they could see right through Kuei, every nook and cranny naked on display for the younger man. Kuei’s hand fiddled with the fabric over his lap, the edges of his sweeping sleeves and the robes he was wearing. He was the first one to break eye-contact, his gaze moving down to his feet resting bare on the carpet. He wiggled his toes a little.

The dull thud of clothes hitting the ground made him look up again. Zuko was in the middle of pulling off his outer layers. ”Wait—” Kuei’s throat closed up around the other words.

With the outer layers gone, he could see Zuko’s muscular form more clearly. As Kuei watched, entranced, Zuko picked up the clothes from the floor and folded them before putting them on the table along one of the walls. Then his pale hands moved to the top of his head and removed the headpiece attached to the topknot. Zuko pulled the topknot apart at the same time as he removed the headpiece.

Kuei licked his lips as the long hair fell over Zuko’s shoulders. But even while Kuei watched, unable to make his eyes look in any other direction, Zuko continued to disrobe. Until finally, he was standing there in only his underwear.

”Well,” Zuko said when he turned around and faced Kuei again, ”Aren’t you going to get undressed?”

Kuei stood up on his feet at once. Guiltily, he stared down at the floor while he mechanically pulled off his clothes, one layer at a time. When he was down to his underwear, he picked up the clothes he had been piling up on the bed and moved toward the table where Zuko had placed his.Once he had carefully placed them on the table, he took a deep breath and turned to look at Zuko.

Zuko, who was in the middle of climbing onto the bed.

Kuei felt his heart stutter to a stop in his chest for a terrifying moment before his ability to breathe returned to him. When it did, he forced himself to take shuddering breath and walked back over to the bed, stopping before it and swaying on his feet.

For all the lectures that he had been given on how male-on-male sex worked, nobody had actually told him how one began. Was he just supposed to climb onto the bed and what, attack Zuko?

Zuko had settled himself onto the middle of the bed, surrounded by a virtual army of pillows, his knees folded under him, and was sitting with his back straight while Kuei had his moment of severe doubt. Inching his feet toward the bed slowly, Kuei sat down on the edge as soon as he was close enough and moved his body so that he was crawling forward. The bed was easily three meters wide, a size that he had never before seen, but he was now grateful for. Kuei bit down on his lip and removed his glasses, putting them gently down on the bedside table.

”Ehm…” he sat down on his hunches and wrung his hands on his lap. The completely unimpressed look that Zuko gave him made Kuei hunch in on himself involuntarily. The silence was so all-encompassing that he found it impossible to say anything.

It was suffocating.

Finally, it was Zuko that made the first move.

Zuko’s warm hand settled on Kuei’s thigh, below the edge of his underwear. For a second, his mind was blank and all he could do was stare at that pale hand. It was scorching against his bare skin, and Kuei stared down at it. He didn’t take a breath until his lungs constructed so tightly in his chest that it was painful. Then, his eyes rose back up and he examined Zuko’s face.

Zuko was frowning. His eyes were staring down at his own hand, and his lips were dragged downward in an expression Kuei didn’t know how to decipher. But he knew one thing.

They were married.

The ceremony had been distinctly Earth Kingdom in nature, a blow he suspected had done more damage to Zuko than perhaps any other thing tonight, but it had been legally binding in both the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation. As of four hours ago, Kuei and Zuko were married.

And Fire Lord Ozai expected to see proof of their consummation in the morning. Something that he had gone out of his way to mention first in the aftermath of the wedding, when they were in the middle of celebrations. And as soon as he had, Zuko had stiffened by Kuei’s side, his hands clenching so hard that Kuei was surprised that he hadn’t pierced his skin.

It was petty of Kuei. That he made Zuko be the one to take the first step. That he forced Zuko, through his own inaction, to be the one to move toward him.

Taking a steadying breath, Kuei dropped one of his hands to rest on Zuko’s where it still laid, unmoving, on Kuei’s leg. He would not force Zuko to be the one taking the first step. He would not force Zuko to reach out to him.

Kuei leaned his upper body forward, and he kissed Zuko.

Chastely, it was a simple peck on the lips. Shortly, he moved his head back a handful of centimeters and stared breathlessly at Zuko’s face. He saw Zuko’s eyelids flutter, his mouth pulling taunt only to relax again. His heart thumped so loudly in his ears that Kuei thought he would go deaf, yet the sound of his own breaths were overwhelming.

He saw the muscles in Zuko’s neck flex, and he knew the instant when Zuko had made up his mind. Kuei curled his hand around Zuko’s, entwining their fingers together and squeezing his hand gently. His other hand he rose up to Zuko’s face, and waited until Zuko nodded before he touched.

Kuei’s hand drifted in the air along the edges of Zuko’s face, his fingers skimming the dark hair hanging loosely around it, and when he finally settled his hand on Zuko’s cheek, it felt like lightning was racing up his arm.

He swallowed a lump of air and scooted a little closer to Zuko. Under his hand, Zuko’s skin was warm, and so soft that Kuei had to take a moment to just acknowledge what he was doing. He was about to have sex with Zuko. Zuko, former Crown Prince of the Fire Nation and Kuei’s new husband. Kuei was about to consummate his marriage, about to be able to proudly claim that he was the husband of the most beautiful man in the world.

Trailing his thumb under Zuko’s eye, his hand cupping Zuko’s cheek, Kuei felt his heart squeeze in his chest. Without noticing it, he leaned even closer to Zuko, his breath ghosting over Zuko’s skin. He felt, in his heart, a heaviness that made it hard to breathe, a pressure on his chest that had him feeling like he was suffocating. He forced himself to drag in a ragged breath, his body shaking as the hand on Zuko’s cheek wandered higher, pulling Zuko’s hair behind his ear and drifting shortly across his neck. Kuei’s eyes followed the motion of his hand, powerless to stop himself from shifting forward.

Gently, he pressed his mouth against that smooth cheek. He felt Zuko shiver against him, and Kuei closed his eyes, staying like that for a breathtaking moment.

”Tell me if I hurt you,” he pleaded against the skin.

Zuko twitched. He moved his head back until their eyes met, gold facing green, and then Zuko nodded. He looked away first, his hand squeezing Kuei’s so hard that Kuei feared his blood wouldn’t be able to reach his fingers. Kuei’s other hand danced along the contours of Zuko’s head, his fingers sweeping through the fine hair.

”I’ll be gentle,” Kuei promised, like this was something that he had done before. Like he knew what _gentle_ meant in this context.

Zuko nodded once, a hacking motion that made his hair sway, and Kuei could no longer stop himself. He moved forward, his hand moving to the back of Zuko’s head, and pressed their lips against each other.

The softness was what made his breath catch in his throat. The warmth was what made him sigh into it. He tilted his head to the side so that their noses didn’t clash, even as he pressed his mouth harder against Zuko’s. Kuei breathed in through his nose, a harsh breath that made his chest shudder, and his fingers clenched down on Zuko’s hair.

On his lap, Zuko’s hand hugged Kuei’s tightly.

For a minute, Kuei simply pressed their lips together. He got lost in the sensation, the warmth that was building in his chest, the butterflies bursting to life in his stomach. He pulled in another ragged, hacking breath, and squeezed Zuko’s hand in return.

Angling Zuko’s head for a more comfortable position, Kuei lifted the hand attached to Zuko’s, feeling Zuko startle against him. Kuei broke the kiss to nuzzle his nose against Zuko’s, mumbling, ”It’s okay,” under his breath. Zuko’s hand spasmed in his grip before he slowly let go, and Kuei settled the now free hand against Zuko’s hip.

He felt Zuko’s hand settle on his shoulder, and the warmth of it shot straight to his stomach. There was no way that he would be able to go back now, back to a life where he didn’t have this.

The hand on Zuko’s hip moved slowly across Zuko’s back, until Kuei had his hand squarely on Zuko’s back, pressed against his spine. He gently dragged the hand over the warm skin while he kissed Zuko harder, trying to distract him from what was about to happen. His fingers trailed along the spine, and Zuko shivered against him; Kuei could feel the goosebumps at the bottom of his back. His other hand massaged the back of Zuko’s head, and Kuei did his best to ease Zuko’s obvious tension. He had been told repeatedly that the more relaxed one was, the less painful it would be.

Releasing Zuko’s lips, Kuei moved his head back slightly, and faced with those half-lidded golden eyes, his lips quirked and he asked, ”Alright?”

Zuko nodded. Kuei was pleased to notice that it was not an as abrupt movement as earlier. Kuei’s smile grew and he leaned forward to press their lips together again, this time gathering his courage and deepening the kiss.

When his tongue swept over Zuko’s lip, he could swear that he stopped breathing. when Zuko let Kuei’s tongue into his mouth, Kuei wasn’t even sure he was _alive_ anymore. But it was fine. If he died kissing Zuko, that was perfectly fine. His eyes slipped closed, and a low groan slipped from him. The embarrassment didn’t last long though, not when his tongue was met with Zuko’s.

Actually, Kuei pulled his tongue back. He broke the kiss and this time he was gratified to see that Zuko’s eyes were closed, his eyelashes casting shadows over his cheeks. Kuei hugged Zuko tighter, moved his legs so that they splayed out on both sides of Zuko.

Zuko’s face was distressingly open. It was not expressionless like it had been all through their ceremony, it was not that hard look like he had been wearing during the celebrations. Kuei licked his lips, and felt his face heat up when he encounter the saliva he was sure was not his. His chest heaved and he was startled to realize he felt winded.

”Is this okay?” he asked again. He had to know. He needed to be sure that this was not… that he was not a monster, that this was not a nightmare to Zuko. He needed to ensure that Zuko knew that Kuei would stop, if he asked. If Zuko truly didn’t want him. Suddenly, it was of the gravest matter, that Zuko know this. Kuei babbled out, ”I don’t care what Ozai said, I’m sure there are ways to fake this. We don’t need to do this.”

For a heart-stopping moment, Zuko didn’t say anything. He opened his eyes and he stared straight at Kuei, meeting his eyes and holding steady. Then he shook his head, once, a small movement that Kuei almost didn’t catch. ”No,” Zuko said, his voice so lacking in emotion Kuei wondered if he was even here. ”It will be seen as an insult, if we don’t do it. A lack of respect. That you don’t take the treaty seriously.”

”But—”

”No.” Zuko shook his head again. He frowned, and his hand on Kuei’s shoulder squeezed painfully tight.

Kuei lowered his gaze to Zuko’s knees. He felt his braid swinging with the motion before it laid still over it his back. He said, ”It doesn’t have to be you, though. I could do it.”

Zuko’s hand spasmed on his Kuei’s shoulder, and Kuei looked up again. Zuko had a look of focus, concentration, on his face. He was staring straight at Kuei, looking for something in his expression. Kuei didn’t know what, but he stayed still and let Zuko look. Eventually, Zuko hook his head and said, ”It’s fine.”

It was very obviously not.

Kuei frowned and he shifted his hand so that it was cupping Zuko’s smooth cheek again. His other hand let go of Zuko’s back to rise to Zuko’s other cheek, the one scarred so heavily that Kuei almost flinched when he first saw it. It was unbelievable to him, that Zuko would be allowed to be hurt like this, very clearly damaged by fire to such an extent that the scarring reached from his eye and down his cheek, back over his ear and along his neck. It looked painful. He wondered, again, if Zuko could see out of that eye.

”It’s not fine,” Kuei insisted. He knew that it wasn’t. Why they were dancing around the fact was suddenly lost to him. It was important, that Zuko knew that he had a choice. _He could say no._ ”You don’t want this,” Kuei said.

Zuko opened his mouth, about to say something, but Kuei was not interested in hearing more empty platitudes. ”Don’t lie to me,” Kuei said, his hands resting on Zuko’s face lightly. He eyed them, and continued, ”You don’t want this. But you feel like you have to. You think your father will break the treaty if you don’t. You think the treaty depends on this.”

Kuei leaned forward, and nuzzled his nose against his Zuko’s neck, breathing in that scent of firewood and smoke that always followed the younger man. ”It doesn’t,” Kuei whispered against the skin. ”The Earth Kingdom is not that weak. And your father is not that powerful.”

He felt it, when Zuko sagged against him. He felt Zuko’s hands curl around his back and squeeze tightly. He felt Zuko’s head press against his hair, Kuei’s hands slipping over Zuko’s shoulders with the motion. He felt Zuko’s chest shudder with the force of his breaths, saw the all the torches and candlelights’ flames spark in the same rhythm. He felt Zuko’s nails digging into his back and he could hear the sound of his pulse in his throat.

Again, Kuei whispered, ”We don’t have to do this.”

Zuko pulled in a ragged breath and shook his head, messing up Kuei’s hair in the process. ”But my father—”

”Is going to have a _talk_ with me, first thing tomorrow,” Kuei interrupted.

Zuko’s hands relaxed and he leaned back. Obediently, Kuei let go of Zuko as well and moved a little, giving Zuko the space he desired. Zuko was frowning, more heavily than Kuei had ever seen him do before. His eyebrows were drawn together, his mouth bent downward and he was looking at the duvet like it was the most interesting thing in the room.

Kuei rearranged his legs so that he was sitting crosslegged. He waited for Zuko to say something, to make a decision. This was not something that he could choose for him. Still, his hands clenched in his lap and he licked his lips, vividly remembering what it was like, kissing Zuko.

Kuei was a petty man. Even now, he hoped that Zuko would choose—would let Kuei have sex with him, let him consummate their marriage.

He wanted it. He wanted _Zuko_.

But he would not do that to him.

He counted minutes passing before Zuko said something again. When he did, Kuei had almost fallen into a meditative trance, and he started.

”If…” Zuko licked his lips and squared his shoulders, his gold eyes staring straight at Kuei. ”If we do not… would it… really not affect the treaty?”

”No,” Kuei said and shook his head.

”Then… if I don’t…” Zuko scowled, his hands moving on his lap like he was looking for a weapon.

Kuei knew what he meant. He shook his head, ”If we don’t, it will not hurt anything. If you don’t want to, we simply won’t. We’re still married.” He ducked his head, but he couldn’t be dishonest about this. ”I would like to. But if you never want to, that’s okay. I would never force you.”

”Kissing you was… not horrible,” Zuko said and Kuei’s head snapped up.

A trembling smile spread on Kuei’s lips and he bent his head down, staring at his naked lap. He held out his hand toward Zuko, determinedly not looking up at him. After a heart-stopping moment, Zuko placed his hand in Kuei’s and Kuei—felt something in him relax. He gripped Zuko’s hand tightly, bending his head forward and pressing their hands against his forehead.

”Thank you,” Kuei mumbled. He took another steadying breath and continued, ”If I ever hurt you, tell me?”

”Yeah,” Zuko muttered.

Kuei brought their hands down and sat up straight again. He spent a minute just staring at the younger man sitting across from him. His pale skin, his well-developed muscles, his golden eyes… Kuei couldn’t believe that he had married this perfect man.

In the days leading up to the wedding, he had done all the research that he could on Fire Nation marriages, on Zuko as a person, on what would be expected of him. But the time from the signing of the treaty to the actually wedding had gone by surpassingly fast and he was sure that he hadn’t managed to learn all that he should have. Doubtlessly he didn’t know enough about the Fire Nation or its inner workings. And he didn’t know enough about Zuko to truly say that he loved him either, though he suspected that he was close.

He reluctantly let go of Zuko’s warm hand and crawled to the top of the bed. There, he had to throw about twenty pillows off the bed in order to find the top of the covers and start pulling them down.

”It’s been a long and trying day,” Kuei said. He tried to smile reassuringly at Zuko. ”Why don’t we go to sleep and deal with the rest of this in the morning?”

Zuko’s eyes were like flames in the candlelight; glittering gold and shining with an inner light. Kuei thought he had never seen a gem or jewel able to rival them in beauty.

Zuko shrugged. He moved up to the top of the bed and clambered beneath the covers in quick movements. Kuei looked at him, laying under the sheets and staring intently at the ceiling. When Kuei rolled under the covers as well, Zuko showed no reaction at all.

With his heart in his throat, Kuei placed his arm in the space between them and held his hand out. He waited patiently for Zuko to either reject or accept his offer.

Just when he was on the verge of falling asleep, he felt a hand curl around his own. Warm, with callouses that Kuei associated with swordsmanship, and Kuei selfishly hoped that he wouldn’t let go. He curled his fingers around Zuko’s hand, and felt hope blossom to life in his chest.

Kuei fell asleep with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be PWP.
> 
> Join the [KuZu discord server](https://discord.gg/meexQD4) to wallow in misery with me (also to get sneak peaks of kuzu fics I'm working on) at the lack of Kuei/Zuko content. It's lonely on this ship, but at least we have each other!
> 
> [tumblr](https://realmofdez.tumblr.com) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/fantasy_death) | [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/fantasy_death)


End file.
